And I'll Call Your Name
by Maxwell Lily
Summary: Hae Soo is a drowning survivor. She was in a coma for over a year and she yearns to get her life back. She meets him by accident, by chance, but she stays with him by choice, listening to a voice that keeps calling his name. Hae Soo doesn't know much about him but she falls in love. And in flashes, in reveries, she knows. Wang So is going to die and she needs to save him. [AU]


The drowning survivor opened her eyes, not knowing where she stood on the bridge of time.

Her world was inundated by the brightness of the sun, glaring straight at her, through the open window. She took a few minutes to adjust, adjust her consciousness and her body, moving every part of herself with calculated effort. First, she looked the other way, away from the window; her head was heavy and her mind was clouded. She moved her fingers, one at a time. She moved her toes. But her body, her limbs, didn't respond as they ought to. She took a deep breath, trying not to panic at the distress that seemed to grow in her middle, trying to calm herself down enough to understand it all, to understand anything.

When she opened her eyes again, she was facing the wall where a calendar hung. Her vision was focused enough to read it. October, 2016.

In the turmoil of her being, a light was lit. Shining through the fog, like a lighthouse.

It was the beginning.

* * *

Her parents paid more attention to the doctors than she did. It worried her mother when they had to call her, more than once, to get her attention. She assured them she felt fine and the tests proved her word. The doctors told her family that she may go through some odd behavior at the beginning, that she would slowly feel more like herself as time passed. It was time that Hae Soo needed, and patience was mandatory so she wouldn't feel burdened or stressed. Her little brother rested his head on her lap as she watched the rain outside. The tension built inside of her, uninvited, a dam threatening to overflow. She gripped the sheets. He called her name and she whipped her head in his direction, a smile on her lips. The grip loosened. She was fine.

Her mother was too anxious to let her do everything by herself just yet, even if she had to. Dress her, help her clean up, brush her hair. Her mother braided it in a stylish way she didn't remember, but it was, supposedly, her favorite. Her hair was long and her fingers didn't recognize the length. She wouldn't let her mother trim it, not then, not yet. She spoke words of reassurance constantly, it was okay, everything was okay. Her mother would nod and smile and her eyes filled with tears but she would not cry. Crying over Hae Soo was over for her family.

The rain had stopped.

She couldn't walk yet but she asked for some time to herself, outside her room. Just a little while, her arms couldn't take her far and long, anyway, but she wanted to. When she rolled her wheelchair through the hospital hallways, she felt a bit more like herself. She was an adult. She had lived by herself. She knew it, knew that, even though she loved her mother very much, her heart desired it. Peace for her thoughts, a million of them going through her head. She moved forward and looked around, the hospital staff smiled at her, some of them called her by her name. She moved and greeted them, from her room to the end of every hall, every corner, until her arms grew tired and she had to go back.

When she lied on her bed again, she checked her phone and read her brother's messages, but her mind was still far away.

Waiting for the unknown.

* * *

Only a few days passed and it was November. The shawl that her mother brought her was comforting like a hug, of a pastel pink, adorned with a pin of a white flower. It brought a genuine smile to her face, almost a memory of something good that she didn't quite remember but glimpsed. It was her shield as she moved through the halls in her wheelchair, it was her hope. _Something good is going to happen today._ The seed was planted in her heart and it would bloom before Spring came. Spring was so far. Outside, it was cloudy and gray, a cold wind rattling the windows every now and then.

Distracted by the sound of the wind, as Hae Soo was passing by a flight of stairs, she thought she saw someone familiar walking down. Most of the time when she thought she saw something familiar she had been wrong, her mind playing a trick, sending her the wrong signals, but she could never stop herself. That time, she didn't stop. She moved her chair closer to the steps, trying to see who it was, only the top of their head visible. She craned her neck to the best of her abilities and that's when the wheels moved forward.

She barely had time to scream, or had the voice to. One moment the wheelchair was moving downwards; the next, she was being pulled backwards, an arm crossing over her chest, keeping her from falling over. The person moved so quickly that they stumbled themselves, falling ungracefully and making noise on the marble floor. With her heart hammering against her chest, Hae Soo turned to her savior, not even registering the cold as her shawl fell off her shoulders.

Black hair covered his eyes as sat there, wincing, a hand on his hip. A nurse rushed to them but he smiled briefly and waved her off. Soo bowed to her and moved her chair farther away from the offending steps before anyone scolded her.

"Are you okay?" She asked, her voice weaker than she had expected, causing her to clear her throat, swallow nervously.

The man, still on the floor, looked up at her. The first thing she noticed was that his eyes were red and puffy. The second was that the smile he directed at her was totally different from the one he gave the nurse; amused and affected and lopsided.

"Me? I'm quite fine. What about you? Do you have a particular death wish today?"

Hae Soo blushed, embarrassment and shame flooding her. She opened her mouth for a retort but she could think of nothing dignified. She looked down at the hands on her lap and she could only think about her reason — _something familiar came to me, I chase my memories like I'm swimming against the current._ Her eyes filled up with unwanted tears and she felt further like an idiot, grasping at her chest for the comfort there and—

"My pin," she said, immediately searching the floor. "My pin."

"Pin?" The man asked, the smile off his lips.

"My mother gave it to me. It's a white flower."

She felt the cold more as the hand of desolation creeping up her stomach. A couple of tears fell but she tried to swallow them back, she didn't want attention, she wanted to gather up her pieces in her corner of the world, figure out her mind, put everything in order.

She didn't notice him stand up; she saw him halfway down the stairs and then he was back, walking in her direction. He placed the white flower pin on her palm and crouched beside her, leveling their eyes. Hae Soo clutched the pin tightly in her hands as he spoke.

"I'm sorry." Soo widened her eyes at the apology. "For a second I forgot you're a patient, I'm a jerk. Do you want me to bring you to your room?"

Soo shook her head and the man nodded, standing up.

"Thank you!" She called out, stuttering a bit, tone rising and falling like she regretted saying it, but she didn't. It was the attention. It was the situation she created, it was the tears. She felt like an adult when she was on her own but she could break apart so easily, like a child. What kind of impression did she make on people? What kind of person would she be, from then on?

The man with the crying eyes just smiled and walked away, his hands in his pockets and his head hanging low.

That night, lying with her head on her pillow, Hae Soo listened to the ticking of the clock on her bedside. Clicking, clicking forward. Her pin was warm in her hand, but to her, it wasn't her own warmth, it was his, of his hands that saved her, his voice and the underlying kindness.

Click. Click.

Was it time?

* * *

Soo went back the following day, back his way. She found him looking out the window, still wearing the same clothes. His hair was messier than when she last saw him, and if he had looked tired before, he was exhausted then. He saw her when she moved near, no accident or fate drawing her to him, just her hands. Soo hadn't been talking to anyone but her mother and brother and the hospital staff and it was uncertain how long she would still have to stay there. When she saw him, when he had walked away, she thought, for the first time since she woke up, about someone other than herself, about problems beyond her fractured memory, and it was a relief. To have someone to think about, something other than the chaos and the voice that whispered, that carved a resolve in her heart. It spoke of something that she didn't know where to find, where to begin.

Her hands brought her to him and he looked at her with recognition. The voice whispered in her heartbeats, words she couldn't decipher. But attraction, she considered, didn't require a lot of science or overthinking.

"It's you again," he said, leaning forward against the windowsill, as if he wanted to jump off, into the cloudy sky. Like he wanted to be somewhere else.

"And you're still here," Soo said, attempting a smile, fingers absentmindedly playing with the end of her braid. The man sighed and sat down on a nearby chair.

"Are you allowed to walk around on your own?"

"Encouraged to. Anything that stimulates thought. And anywhere where my mother isn't fussing over me is also welcome."

The man seemed to scoff. He said nothing for a few seconds, and she thought that maybe the scoff wasn't exactly aimed at her. His raised eyebrows, defiant, were.

"Am I stimulating enough for you?"

"I'm not sure. Want to try the stairs again?"

She turned her wheels towards the stairs and felt him grab the chair, hold her back with a laugh.

"No, I don't think so."

Soo positioned her chair beside his, watching him quietly. He leaned his head back, against the wall, and inhaled deeply. His exhale was ragged, nervous. Soo considered leaving but the silence wasn't suffocating or awkward, or not enough to leave. It was just silence. Still she felt nervous that if she broke it, she'd be asked to leave, and she'd be alone with herself again.

"Why are you here?"

His head was still leaning against the wall but it turned in her direction, his eyes blinking slowly. At first, she considered that he meant why she had gone to him, why she was bothering him, but she noticed him eying the wheelchair.

"I nearly drowned. I was in a coma for over a year, and now I need to get used to my life again."

She wanted to stretch, touch the tips of her slippers together. When she looked down at her legs, legs that still couldn't hold her up, her bangs fell and obscured her view. Her right hand took her left, her thumb drawing patterns on her palm. Her words were practiced, mechanical, words that she had heard more than thought.

"You were in a coma for a year?"

She looked back at him but he was staring at the wall ahead. Soo kept her hands together, trapped.

"You—"

"My mother has been in a car accident. They don't know when she's waking up."

Soo didn't know how to respond. She couldn't even comfort her own heart, how could she comfort someone else's? She spoke, but her words sounded empty to her ears. _I'm sure she'll be fine_. She dared not speak of faith, she didn't know if she believed in it herself. Her parents had prayed for her while she slept and she did wake up, but if someone was watching over her, then why did she have to sleep in the first place? If there was someone watching, then why—

 _She clung to the child as much as she could but the waves kept pulling her down. The water was cold, it was definitely not a day for swimming, it seemed to enter her pores, her organs and her bones. Hae Soo trembled but she swam, she kept reaching for the surface, never, ever letting go of the child—_

She looked up when she heard a new voice. The man beside her quickly stood up to talk to the doctor, both speaking in hushed tones. Feeling like she had overstayed her welcome, Soo moved away and back to her room. She wished, despite herself, that his mother would be okay.

 _Is it him?_ She asked the voice within herself. But it couldn't answer in words, just in heartbeats. It answered in the minutes she spent thinking about him, in the ways she pictured herself asking what his name was.

* * *

Her exams tired her out, as did her therapies. She understood the purpose of them all, and she did want to recover, but she felt drained after, she couldn't help it. She found it all terribly repetitive, all the praise, all the encouragement, she was getting better, she was doing great. She read news on her phone and her eyes glazed over. Soo didn't feel like she was part of anything going inside or outside of her life. She didn't have control of it, of the rain that fell outside, of the braids her mother put in her hair. The days went by and she barely took notice of how fast they progressed, filled with medical jargon and words she didn't want to say to people she didn't want to meet. Her doctors and family were proud of her. She wanted to walk away. She could barely walk.

She asked her mother for money to get a drink from a vending machine during her stroll. When she saw him, he was wearing a different coat, not the leather jacket she had seen the last two times. Soo felt a bit silly for thinking he would have been the same; though she took notice of it or not, time did pass, and he was not a figure standing outside of it. She approached him, the drink warming her lap.

"You're still here," she said, as though it was their greeting. He stopped pacing back and forth to look at her, his eyes lighting up.

"And so are you."

Soo offered him the drink and he took it, smiling.

"How did you know I haven't had anything to drink in a while?"

"People in hospitals often don't."

He nodded his agreement and sat down. After one gulp, he looked back at her.

"You should bring your own drink, next time. It's weird to drink by myself."

Soo laughed through the butterfly wings fluttering in her stomach.

"Okay. Although I do remember to eat and drink. No one lets me forget, ever."

She rolled her eyes and caught a flash of his teeth. It made her feel better, to still make someone smile. Was it something she used to do? Was it something she used to try and do? The past was still a mystery, more mysterious than the man's sorrow, present in the shadows of his eyes, would ever be. She let him finish his drink before she asked,

"How's your mother?"

He shook his head. Soo let out a small "Oh" and went silent again, fiddling with the flower pin. He must have been tired of answering the same negative to every person who asked, to every family member. The phone calls probably never stopped, just like she still had to reassure her aunt that she was fine, how she had to pretend that yes, she couldn't wait to go back to her life, whatever it had been like...

It took her a few seconds to notice he was looking at her with his eyebrows raised, expecting an answer.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I spaced out, didn't I?"

He set the empty can on the chair beside him and sat sideways on his own chair, facing her completely, crossing his arms and legs. Soo liked the tilt of his head and the shape of his eyes that seized her, captured her attention.

"You look sad."

Only the corner of her lip curled upwards.

"So do you."

"Is that why you took pity on me?"

She frowned.

"I don't pity you. Did you pity me when I lost my pin the other day?"

She crossed her arms around her middle and looked away, a little upset that he would think that of her, even more upset that he might have pitied her. She had enough pity for a lifetime. She wished she could blame her family for it entirely, but it'd be a lie. She gave herself enough pity to drown herself a second time over.

"...name?"

She looked up, flushing despite herself at the tears in her eyes and the look in his. If she bared herself without meaning to, then maybe so did he, in the way she found him pacing back and forth, in the way he ran his fingers through his hair, in the way he looked at her then, unwavering. She caught the half question easily enough.

"Soo. I'm Hae Soo."

"Hae Soo."

The sound of her name in his voice made her feel giddy. When he reached for his phone, she took the chance to wipe the few stray tears that threatened to fall down without her consent.

"Do you have a phone number, Hae Soo?"

She recited the numbers she made herself memorize as an exercise. After he saved it, he stood up.

"I should probably go eat something. I can't pay you back for the drink today, but we can set a date for next time." He flicked his phone in her direction before pocketing it. Soo smiled.

"Okay."

"Do you want me to take you to your room?"

"No, it's fine. You should go eat."

He nodded. "Have a good night, Hae Soo."

It was only after he had waved at her and climbed down the stairs, out of view, that she realized she hadn't asked his name. She beat herself up mentally on the way back to her room, but once a nurse helped her back on her bed and she checked her phone, she realized she had a new message.

 _ **It's Wang So, by the way.**_

She curled her toes because she couldn't flail her legs up and down. She covered her eyes, blushing, before looking back at the screen and saving his contact. Wang So. She said the name out loud, matching name and man, man and sadness. Her finger lingered on his contact, wishing it could make good things happen. She decided to type out a reply instead.

 _ **I'm sorry. I'm really forgetful these days.**_ _ **ㅠㅠ**_

She wondered if the emote was too much. She couldn't remember if she used to use them a lot or not. The reply came before she could overthink.

 _ **Don't worry about it. You can take your time.**_

She lied on her side and read the message over and over again. He didn't wish for her to get well soon. Did he want to see her again? Another message popped on the screen.

 _ **Unless you've always been forgetful. Then maybe it's the time to ask the doctors for some help.**_

Her mouth gaped open. He was _teasing_ her?

 _ **Hey!**_

She was pretty sure she wasn't that forgetful. She was at least eighty percent sure.

Her screen flashed again

 _ **Sleep well, Hae Soo.**_

Pretending nothing happened and being charmingly concerned again? Maybe he would be the death of her.

 _ **Eat well, Wang So. Don't forget to rest.**_

She tucked her phone under her pillow and pulled her covers up to her chin. Her body felt warm but her face felt warmer. She thought of him as she fell asleep, and in her sleep, the voice inside of her did confirm.

 _It is him._

* * *

"You're doing great, Ms. Hae!"

Soo nodded to her nurse, smiling weakly after a physiotherapy session. She really was doing well and soon she wouldn't need the chair or the hospital. She'd be able to go home and face her life. She wondered how long it would take her to remember more about herself, about her job, if she had loved it or not, if she could still do it or not. She was sitting on her bed, legs hanging down the side, when her phone buzzed.

 _ **Can I see you now? What's your room number?**_

She took a sharp intake of breath and answered. She looked around and tried to think of ways to make herself more presentable, quickly untying her messy ponytail and braiding her hair instead, but all her fussing over her appearance took too long and soon he was there, outside her door, smiling at her. Soo still had her legs hanging by the side of her bed, her hands trying to pat her bangs into place. She quickly put her hands down on her lap.

"Can I come in?"

She nodded. She was glad that her mother had already left, knowing Soo would be too tired after her therapy for small talk but really only after Soo promised she would eat everything they gave her for dinner. She wasn't exactly skipping meals but she wasn't eating much, either. She wondered if it wasn't just how she ate and her mother used the excuse of her memory to try and make her eat more.

So walked to her window and looked outside, briefly. He then moved towards her and looked at the flowers she had on her bedside table.

"What's this flower called?" He asked, leaning in to smell it.

"Peony. My mother says it's my favorite."

He looked down at her.

"And what do you say?"

She smiled.

"I think it's pretty."

He backed away from her flowers and moved to stand before her.

"Do you need permission to leave the room?"

She fidgeted with the end of her braid.

"Not exactly, but they should be coming with my dinner soon."

"Are you hungry?"

She shook her head.

"Okay. Is there a paper and a pen here, somewhere?"

She pointed to the drawer on the bedside table and he found them inside, took them and scribbled a small note. Soo tried to read it but right after he finished it he turned to her, bending down to her eye level.

"Let's go for a stroll, Hae Soo."

Soo reached for her shawl and placed it around her shoulders, the flower pin keeping it in place, near her heart. So placed her slippers on her feet and helped her get on her chair. She hoped he was too distracted to notice how badly she was blushing. As he wheeled her outside, Soo thought he was going too fast. She gripped the chair tightly and looked up at So but he was only looking ahead. Soo decided not to say anything until they had reached whatever destination he had in mind.

So brought her to the gardens on the ground floor, near the entrance. Soo had been there with her family before but it was different at night, after the rain. There was no moon to light the raindrops on the flowers but there were artificial hospital lights and it was just as good. Soo moved her chair next to a bench so they could sit close, face the flowers. She leaned forward, tipping one of them, admiring as the water sparkled as it fell down.

"I rushed, didn't I? I'm sorry. Were you scared?"

Soo tipped another flower and it sprinkled on her lap.

"A little. I think if there was a pebble on the way, I'd have probably fallen over."

"I kept you from falling once, I think I could do it again."

"That's a compelling argument," she said, leaning back on her chair. "But my doctors would probably advise against the thrill."

His chuckle made her giggle in return. So leaned forward on the bench, one elbow resting on his knee, his other hand running through his hair.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I accepted it the first time. Will you tell me what's bothering you?"

She wondered how much he had slept ever since the accident, from the hunch of his shoulders and the shape of his eyes. She pondered if she could cover up the dark bags under his eyes if she had the right material and the thought was a surprise. Her mother had told her she was a beautician but it was the first time she _felt_ like one. She even thought he might feel a little bit like himself, that she could help. Maybe it'd cheer him up. The prospect filled her in such a way that she had to clasp her hands together, away from him.

Her battle with herself bought him time to gather his thoughts. He spoke, without looking at her.

"My brothers are here. I don't want to see them."

"So you escaped."

"So I escaped."

"And you smuggled me with you."

There it was. The amused, lopsided smile.

"I'd rather escape with you."

Soo wondered if they had checked her stomach in all her exams, she couldn't really remember. Maybe if she had paid attention she'd know if it was okay for her to feel as though she was trembling on the inside. She leaned forward, in his direction.

"Ah, you didn't want to be alone, did you? I feel a little used."

He leaned in her direction as well, and she could feel his breath on her face.

"Will you forgive me, Hae Soo?"

Soo shrugged, keeping her hands around herself. She hoped it wasn't obvious to him, the way he made her feel.

"It doesn't feel that bad to be used."

She knew his eyes were on her even if she was facing away, back at the flowers. A gust of wind flew past them and Soo clung to her shawl.

"I shouldn't have brought you here," he said, rubbing his hands together. "It's really cold. Let's go back inside."

"No!"

So was almost standing up but sat down quickly at her exclamation. His look of surprise would have been amusing in a different situation. Soo wasn't laughing. She was holding his hand with both of hers.

"I... don't want to go back yet."

Soo bit her lip, looking down and fiddling with her pin. She heard a hustling sound and when she looked up, he was close, in her personal space, placing his jacket around her shoulders. He sat back on the bench and looked at her like he did the other day; an arm resting on the bench rest, his hand supporting his head, his legs crossed, his attention all on her. He made himself comfortable for her and Soo was suddenly nervous. She didn't have much to offer.

"Do you still have trouble with your memory?"

She nodded.

"I haven't forgotten who I am like in a drama," she joked and saw So's lip curl up at the corner. "I just don't remember how I feel about things...To be honest, I'm a little scared of leaving the hospital. I don't know if I'll still be the same person I was or if I'm going to be a worse version of myself."

She heard him hum.

"Do you remember how your accident happened?"

Her hands were cold.

"I... was trying to save a kid."

The thought hit her then, dawned upon her, heavy and real.

"I don't even know what happened to him."

She wanted to call her mom. Ask her why she hadn't said anything about the boy, why she had only fussed about irrelevant things, why she kept talking about trimming Soo's hair or about the neighbors she wanted to visit. Soo was ready to move, back into the building and into her room where her phone was, when So's hand reached her. He pulled his jacket more properly around her, adjusting her braid so it'd rest on her chest like it usually did.

"I think you'll be okay," he said. "You looked out for me when I needed. I don't think you've changed much."

There was a light in his eyes that she hadn't noticed before. It was visible when he adjusted her bangs.

"But we didn't know each other so I don't know if my opinion counts."

"It does."

She didn't skip a beat and she liked his short laugh, his beautiful teeth. Her embarrassment was worth it, her honesty was worth it, the welcoming arms that said she was _okay as she was._ Someone who wasn't biased, who wouldn't feel compelled to compare her to pre-accident Hae Soo. Amidst every uncertainty and confusion, there was his voice. It was comforting. She didn't know if she had the right to find it comforting, when everyone she knew was doing their best for her.

The voice whispered. It said his name without words.

"Let's go back inside," he said, and she didn't stop him that time. He led her carefully, still looking around the corners for what Soo suspected was for signs of his brothers. She still didn't know why he had escaped them, he had so masterfully changed the course of their conversation, but she decided to save it for a different day. Soo was positive there would be another day.

So helped her back on her bed, taking her slippers off, carefully pulling the covers over her.

"I think your nurse is going to be mad at me," he pointed out as he put his jacket back on.

"I'll make sure to point her in your direction."

He raised his eyebrows in mock astonishment.

"I thought we were friends, Hae Soo."

"That's exactly why I can't take the nagging on my own."

He laughed and started to walk away when she called him back.

"So."

He turned to her, a smile still on his lips.

"I'm scared."

Admitting it was easier around him. He wouldn't freak out or smother her, he would just... understand. Loved ones worried so deeply, worried sick, and she didn't want to burden them. Wang So cared in a different way, in a moderate way, in a way they were both starting to learn. He walked to her and sat down on the bed, even though there were chairs in the room.

"Is it about the boy?"

She nodded. So inhaled deeply.

"What about this... You can message me anytime you're scared and I promise to read everything, even if I can't reply right away. Deal?"

Soo smiled, twiddling her fingers.

"And you promise to do the same."

"Here I thought I had managed to distract you from my tragic story."

"Nope."

Soo shook her head sharply and a jolt of pain rattled inside her head. She groaned, much to So's amusement, who tapped her lightly on the forehead.

"You probably have a headache from hunger. I won't let you skip your meal next time."

"I'm _pretty_ sure it was you who took me away before my dinner arrived."

"You said you weren't hungry!"

"I could have lied."

He gasped, covering his mouth.

"You'd lie to me?"

She laughed even as she rolled her eyes.

"Leave, So."

She started to miss him the exact moment he stood up.

From her door, he said in a warm voice,

"Good night, Soo."

She had lost the moment they had started to call each other by their first names. She rectified it by changing his contact on her phone, _Wang So_ turning into _So._ She made a mental note to keep her phone as far away from her mother as possible.

Her nurse did scold her that night but she didn't point her in So's direction. She took everything with a smile on her face, enjoying the secrecy of their promise, the steps that she took towards him while no one else was looking. She was scared but she was also curious, she wanted to know him, wanted him to be the change in her life.

The voice whispered that Wang So was already familiar with the confines of her heart.

She fell asleep, not understanding why she felt like holding him, like never letting go.

* * *

With every hot beverage and every text, Hae Soo felt more and more like being in his presence, thoughts of kissing him assaulting her while she was still awake. He asked her about her progress, about her physiotherapy sessions, and she responded with everything she liked and disliked and silly words and emotes. When she was with him, he walked slowly by her side, letting her set the pace, and she enjoyed the sight of him breathing in the air of the garden, away from the hospital smells they were both sick of. Soo felt a younger version of herself emerge, a schoolgirl with a crush, rereading his texts like they were love letters. But the older part of her, the one who knew what the world expected of her the moment that interlude came to a close, the moment she stepped out of the hospital for good, it saw his smiles never reached his eyes, it saw him cradling his head outside his mother's room, almost as if being inside was unthinkable.

Whenever she asked how his mother was doing, the answer was the same; vague, nothing had changed, they couldn't foresee a change. Soo wanted to know what the doctors told him, if they thought she would wake up soon, but she didn't have the heart or the courage. He had yet to tell her why he had avoided his brothers or anything about his life that wasn't prompted by one of their conversations.

One time, Soo was sad and she told him, feeling shameless and embarrassed and everything in-between. He sent her a song. She touched her cellphone to her forehead and she closed her eyes, letting the melody and the lyrics take her away, and the song looped a few times before she fell asleep. After a while, upon waking up, she thanked him, hoping the lack of her usual emotes could tell him how much it had meant for her, to have somewhere to escape to when her past and present and future got confused and messy and scary in her head. She felt livelier when she met him again after that, but he was still sad, every movement was slow, lingering in thought. He helped her and made her smile and she had no idea how she could help him.

The first time she saw him cry, Soo was a few days away from being discharged. She had tried to look her best for him, the best she could with what she had, a fishtail braid and her bangs let loose, brushed to the side. She patted her cheeks and hoped she wasn't too pale, or at least didn't look sick against the monochrome of the hospital. He told her he was on a bench on the backside of the building. It was a sunny day out, a nice change from the gray, piercing cold. Soo carried herself with more than the usual anticipation that preceded their meetings, already planning to tell him that soon she'd be out and walking around in no time, maybe she could ease his worries a bit, spend time with him somewhere where death didn't feel so near, hold his hand and tell him that it was going to be okay, she was living proof and that had to mean something, after all. But she found him crying and all her conjectures escaped her mind like a bird set free.

Upon seeing her, he covered his eyes with his hands.

"I'm sorry, Soo," he said. "I shouldn't have let you come here."

"Do you... want me to leave?"

He shook his head but what he said was, "I don't know."

She got closer to him, to his bench, watching him as he clenched his teeth, inhaled sharply through his nose. Once she was close enough, she used the little strength she had gathered up in her sessions to move out of the wheelchair and onto the bench. It was the progress she had talked to him about and he didn't even notice it. To Soo, it was no magic trick, it wasn't meant to be, she didn't want to focus on herself. All she wanted was to get closer, get his attention, pry his hands from his eyes. She called his name and he looked at her, as broken as she had felt he was on the day they met. She didn't know what to expect, she just steeled herself to comfort him as best as she could, but when his head fell on her lap, she was surprised.

Soo hovered over him as he cried, running her fingers through his scalp, running her hand up and down his arm. He whispered that it was his fault and she shushed him, wondering how many of those thoughts had been festering inside his head, how many nights he had spent awake that his body would fall down like that. She could feel his hand on her knee, his tears soaking up her trousers, and she felt like crying, too, but she didn't, she did her best not to. Briefly, she wondered if her brother had felt like that when she was in a coma, how many times her family had felt like that. Soo felt small. She was always missing how other people felt. She did her best not to cry. She could do that much.

She straightened her back when his body stopped shaking. Soo wished she was in a romance novel where she, the modern lady, carried a handkerchief everywhere she went, expecting a gentleman who'd use it to court her. But Soo was no lady, she was dramatic and made faces when others weren't looking, and neither did she carry a handkerchief. She wiped his tears away with the back of her fingers, drying them on her shawl, and kept caressing his hair — oily, he must have forgotten to wash it. They belonged in no novel, only the stone-colored hospital, struggling to be themselves. With his eyes closed and silent as he was, Soo was sure he had fallen asleep, until he spoke.

"I'm sorry."

He sounded so young.

"You're being silly."

He seemed to apologize in an even smaller voice after that, and Soo sighed.

"That's not what I meant. You can cry as much as you want, I promise I won't tell anyone."

So wrapped his arms around his middle and stayed there, lying on his side, his head on her lap, her hand in his hair, on his shoulder.

"It's my fault."

"It's not, So."

"It is."

He sounded firm, not self-loathing.

"We had a fight that day. She left the house because she didn't want to see me."

"What did you fight about?"

"We always seem to fight when we meet. She doesn't approve of me."

"Why wouldn't she approve of you?"

"She wanted me to be grand. I'm not grand."

Soo thought a man who stuck by his mother's hospital door in his every waking minute was a grand man.

"You're not a bad person, So. You didn't cause your mother's accident."

"She shouldn't have left that day."

"You can't change the past. Don't beat yourself up over a fight. How long has it been since you slept?"

He seemed to wrap tighter around himself. Soo bent down, spoke close to his ear.

"Why don't you sleep now? I'll keep watch."

He didn't say anything else. Soo, who had her cellphone, opened the song he sent her, the first song of many, and laid her phone on the bench. The notes played in the silence around them, and whenever someone appeared at the corner of their space, Soo placed a finger on her lips and winked, the person going the other way. The furrow of his brow disappeared with sleep, the redness of his face faded away. Soo played him music and thought of him, of what he did for a living that wasn't so grand, of the fights he couldn't avoid. What kind of life did he live? Soo barely knew what kind of life she had. She was a mess, her head was filled with images that she couldn't put in linear order, she didn't even know if she had any friends. She knew she had a mother who cried for her when she woke up and a brother who sent her messages calling her names every day. She knew she had gossipy neighbors and she knew she used to have a job. Maybe she had loved someone.

She had lost the boy she had tried to save.

She knew Wang So.

In their pocket world, Soo was looking at him as he slept when, in a jolt of electricity, she suddenly saw him in a different place.

At that moment, she felt a stab in her heart, and, with a cry, she leaned forward in pain. Closing her eyes, she saw So smiling and walking side by side with her, streetlights falling on him. For a moment she thought it was wishful thinking, but she had never seen So smile like that in all the time they had known each other. She opened her eyes, out of breath.

 _What was that?_

Soo waited. She breathed in and out, in and out. She kept a hand over her heart until it stopped racing, until her world stopped spinning. So was in her mind. Smiling. She could feel the phantom warmth of his hand on hers, and when she closed her eyes well shut, so tight that she saw colors flashing in the darkness of her eyelids, she could feel his warmth on her lips. She opened her eyes again and he was still asleep, his songs still playing on her phone. There was no one else there but them. Soo, sleeping So, and the afterimage of So in the back of her consciousness.

The So sleeping on the bench moved onto his back, his eyes still closed, his head rolling in Soo's direction. Confused and tired after the unexplainable experience, Soo brushed his bangs out of his eyes before resting her palm against his cheek. The other hand shielded his eyes from the clarity of the day.

 _Who are you?_

He couldn't read her thoughts but he could feel her, her fingertips, tracing and caressing his cheekbone. Upon watching him flutter his eyes open, Soo couldn't help her heart going out to him, despite the unrest inside of her and the dreams while awake. He lied against her in sorrow and in the redness of his eyes and she held onto him like he was her anchor, but if he was meant to steady her, sometimes he brought her down to deep, unknown waters.

She had survived before. She was a drowning survivor.

"You're out of your chair," he said, one hand moving towards her wrist, making no attempt to pull her hand away from his face. He just kept it there, holding her as she held him.

"I am."

"I'm glad you are. I'm glad you are... here, Soo."

Her heart whispered, beat in his name.

 _I'll protect you._

"I'm glad I'm here, too."

"What are you doing?" He asked, motioning slightly to her hand hovering in the air, above him.

"I'm helping you sleep."

He chuckled and it brought a smile to her face. Everything lost color and importance next to his laugh. Even the uncertainties.

"You look more beautiful today."

The hand that shielded his eyes moved to fiddle with the end of her braid.

"Does that mean I was beautiful yesterday?"

"And the day before that." He closed his eyes, running his thumb against the inside of her wrist. It felt intimate. "You didn't know?"

"Go back to sleep, smooth Wang So."

"Can't you lie down with me?"

Soo wondered, while blushing to the roots of her hair, if he would get more daring the more relaxed he felt. But it was better than hurting, better than crying, thoughts filled with the hate of someone who was supposed to love him. It was a little price to pay, Hae Soo figured.

"Not today."

He fell asleep with a smile on his lips.

 _If it's you, then I'll do my best._

 _I'll save you, So. From whatever it is that threatens you._

* * *

 _You can pick the date._

The days that preceded her discharge and the many days following it were busy for Soo, but she had a promise to hang on to. As she left in her mother's car and saw the hospital look smaller and smaller on the rear-view mirror, as she settled in an unfamiliar room full of her things, and after every physiotherapy session, she remembered the way he had picked himself up that day, sitting up and brushing his hair back into place. She remembered her voice getting stuck in her throat, how every word seemed void in meaning and comfort, and she remembered how he had asked her if she needed help getting on her chair. Instead of replying, Soo had told him she was leaving in a couple of days, her intentions hanging in the air, unspoken. _I want to see you again._ So had turned in her direction, focusing on her in the way that destabilized her, and said,

"Since our date got ruined today, you can choose the place for the next."

"I can?"

 _I can have another date?_

"Yes. Pick the place and date. Say the word and I'll be there."

And so she passed her days, settling in, acquainting herself with her life, eating with her family, feeling complete — thinking of him. She sent him messages, asked if he had had something to eat, her _good nights_ heavy with implications that he should sleep, too. Soon, Soo could climb the stairs to her mother's room on her own. She could pick up snacks in the kitchen's cabinets all by herself. She could dance to her favorite songs.

Her skirt was of a pastel pink. Her jacket was white, favoring her waistline. She had trimmed her bangs and applied a bit of make-up. She had tried her best to come up with a cute image, something different from what he had seen, something different from the hospital, but still welcoming. Something that could feel comfortable for him, something that said _I like being with you._ She thought it was what he needed, instead of seduction. He could do that part all by himself, with those piercing eyes of his. It wasn't what Soo was aiming for.

 _I want to be the person you turn to, because you're already the person I think about when I need someone to be with._

When she got to the café, he was already there. Soo waved timidly and thought he took a few seconds too long to wave back.

 _Is it okay to be like this?_

She sat down, fidgeting under his gaze.

"So this is what you look like with your hair down."

Soo wanted to ask him if he liked it but she wasn't ready for the answer. Instead, she said, with a brief laugh,

"This is what I usually look like. My mom was a bit emotional before I left home."

So kept his chin on his palm, smiling sideways at her.

"And you're completely healed now?"

She nodded a few times.

"I can even start job hunting again next week."

So leaned forward, in her direction.

"It's a brand new year for Hae Soo."

She laughed.

"Right on time for the Lunar New Year."

They both ordered a coffee and a little something to eat, Soo's mind barely in it, focused on the day they had ahead.

"And what have you planned for today?" So asked after he had finished his coffee.

She shrugged, her smile showing dimples on her cheeks.

"I just want to walk and talk."

"Talk?" So raised his eyebrows. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Everything. Anything."

So paid for their breakfast while Soo hopped excitedly to the door. Once they were both on the sidewalk, Soo looked up at the sky, hoping the weather would stay clear like the forecast had informed. She was thinking about which way they should take when she noticed So looking down at her. She tilted her head at him in a silent question. He leaned down, leveling his eyes with hers.

"Your height is cute."

She scoffed, unable to help the blush that had nothing to do with her make-up.

"Are you making fun of me, Wang So? Hey!"

He laughed and she pushed him in whatever direction.

* * *

She learned he was a musician, currently working at a friend's music school, teaching children. She learned that he had taken a leave ever since his mother had the accident. She learned he lived alone, but had lived with said music school friend before; that he was a dog person, that he had an older and a younger brother. She also learned that the corner of his eyes wrinkled up when he told a story about his music school friend — Kim Baek Ah was his name, his best friend. She learned that he was patient, never looking annoyed when she stopped to browse through a store. She learned that he didn't like talking about his parents, that his rift with them had started in high school.

"Why am I not surprised you were in a band in high school?"

"Should I be flattered or offended?"

"I mean, you own a bike instead of a car and at least two leather jackets."

He gasped.

"That's so closed-minded of you."

Soo laughed.

"I'm just saying it fits your image!"

He wasn't wearing a leather jacket that day but he _was_ wearing black and her point was made.

"Does that mean you can sing, as well?"

"No. Absolutely not. I played the bass and wrote the lyrics."

Soo clasped her hands behind her back, leaning towards him as they stopped at a red sign.

"So you _write_? I want to see it."

"I'm not showing you my high school song lyrics, Soo."

She squinted her eyes at him, a playful smile on her lips.

"That's so closed-minded of you."

She looked back at the street sign to see if they could cross and that's when he took hold of her hand, lacing their fingers together.

"Your hand is warm," he noted with a hint of amusement.

"Maybe because I'm moving a lot."

She thought he'd make a funny remark but he didn't. In their proximity, close enough that she noticed how charming the inner-corner of his eyes were, she saw the car lights reflect on his skin. From his touch, his gaze, she thought she recognized kindness in him. He said in a lower tone, in a voice only she heard,

"Don't strain yourself."

In the eternity it took for the sign to turn green, Soo saw So in front of her and she saw him far away. In flashes of light, in the car sounds that echoed around her, she saw him crying and she saw him laughing, she saw him as he was with her then and she saw a different him, alone on a bridge. She had the vision with her eyes wide-open, with his hand on hers, she was there with him but she was also somewhere else, with a different So. The experience was so complete that when So pulled her hand, on the sidewalk where they stood, where they hadn't moved from, she felt like she had fallen from the sky. There were tears in her eyes.

A male voice whispered, _It's all because of me._ It sounded so much like So that she almost didn't hear him speak to her.

"Soo? Are you okay? Does it hurt somewhere?"

Soo pressed her free hand against her temple.

"I'm feeling a little dizzy..."

So pulled his hand from hers to support her, his arm moving to her shoulders. They crossed the street, the sign long turned green, and he walked her to the nearest park, sitting down on a cold bench. Above them, the clear sky started to turn gray. She rested her head on his shoulder, his arm still around her. Feeling cold, she took hold of his other hand until it rested on her waist. She felt like she was using him, using his warmth and embrace and person to ground her to the present but So let her lead the moment, saying nothing.

"I'm sorry," she said, apologizing for many different things in her mind, some she didn't even understand.

"Do you want to go home?"

She shook her head.

"We should eat then. You must be hungry."

Soo moved her head, her nose bumping against the collar of his shirt, and she decided that she liked his cologne. In her detached world where only he existed — he who was there, he who held her then — she thought of colognes she knew, of places where she had worked, some she liked and that he might like too, deciding to gift one to him the next chance she got.

"That sounds good," she said, voice low.

"What would you like?"

"Whatever you do."

He chuckled.

"You don't even know what I like to eat."

Soo opened her eyes.

 _But I do. Don't I?_

She backed away from him slightly, enough that he took his arm off from around her, allowing her to sit up straight. The kindness that she saw by the sidewalk was back in his eyes. She wondered if he looked at everybody like that, or if she caused it, if she brought that side of him. She had learned so many things that day but there was so much she had still to know, they had only known each other for a short time. Only a little while...

"Let's go?" He asked, and she mirrored his smile, nodding.

In a street with many different restaurants, Soo knew which one he'd pick.

Soo tried to reassure herself it meant nothing.

* * *

"I'm sorry."

He still held her hand as they crossed the bridge, the cars helping illuminate the day that had gone dark too soon. Soo looked down at her boots, carefully picked to coordinate her outfit. She didn't look down at the water; her stomach hurt at the very thought of it.

"What for?"

"I feel like I blew it."

She peered up at him. He looked ahead, a smile on his lips.

"I had a good time." He looked down at her. "Did you?"

"I did! But..."

So stopped. She turned to him, her back to the river below, his dark frame catching the lights of the passing cars. He used his free hand to brush her bangs back into place, cup her cheek and caress it.

"It hasn't been long since you left the hospital. Give yourself some time."

He held her so delicately, her hand, her face. She wanted to watch him work, play an instrument, play her a song. She was falling down the space he made to accommodate her, and she wondered if it led to his heart. She felt like a monster, craving his affection, making him pull himself together as a man for her, when he so easily broke down into pieces. Was she doing good or bad? Was she being selfish or selfless? He held her hand on that bridge, keeping her eyes away from the water.

"So, I..."

She felt the raindrop on her cheek and looked up. In a matter of seconds, So started to run, startling her as he pulled her along with him. They ran as the rain got harder, falling down on them like a curtain. It ruined the curls Soo took such a long time to apply to the ends of her hair. When they reached the nearest bus stop, they were damp, although not dripping. They paused to catch their breaths and the first thing Soo did was groan and say,

"It wasn't supposed to rain today!"

She sat down in dismay; tired, wet and frustrated.

So laughed. Openly and loudly, his teeth making his face glow. Looking up at him, Soo found him at his most beautiful, hair wet and sticking to different places after he ran a hand through it, eyes thin and shining. He crouched before her, below her eye level, and she reached down to pat his hair into place. Soo was pouting but she couldn't be sad, not in his presence, not with him looking up at her.

"I promise you a better date next time. We can even see the cherry blossoms in spring."

"It rains in spring, too. And that's far."

"Hey." He hit his knuckles on her forehead and she let out an alarmed noise. "Stop sulking. Let's get you a cab."

He stood up to look at the road but Soo held his hand, pulled him back. He looked down at her with his eyebrows raised and Soo bit her lip.

"So, I hope you don't think... All this time, in the hospital... I..."

He sat down next to her. Soo felt nervous to put it into words, afraid of how her feelings would make her sound, afraid of what he would say. So didn't let go of her hand.

"What are you worried about?"

Soo looked down at their joined hands.

"You helped me so many times, I... I wanted to help you, too."

Soo was self-conscious of her words, of her sentences that didn't join together to form a thought. _I hope you don't think I'm taking advantage of you. I think of you all the time._ It was too soon. It had felt longer, in the hours she spent listening to the songs he sent her. It felt longer. It felt like a lifetime, her walking in his direction, wanting to wrap her arms around him and will his pain away.

So pushed her head back with a finger, touching her between her eyes. She blinked at him, her hand covering the spot, as if it contained a mark of her foolishness.

"Did you know I can read your thoughts?"

"Huh?"

"Well, not your thoughts, exactly. But I can see everything about you."

Her shoulders fell under the weight of his words.

"Am I that obvious and simple?"

So tilted his head, tucking her bangs behind her ears.

"No. Your expressions never betray you, Soo. Your curiosity, happiness, fears, they always reflect on your face. In your eyes." He scooted closer to her. "I remember the day we met for the third time, how exhausted I was, replaying my last memory of my mother before the accident again and again in my head, and when you came, when I looked at you, I saw kindness in your eyes and a hot beverage in your hands."

He pulled her towards him, her head towards his shoulder, against the dampness of the cloth. She felt him kiss her temple, and it was like her blood burned for him. _But that's you. That's how I see you._

He spoke next to her ear.

"I don't know what you're afraid of, but I always want to see you. I want to look at you and lose myself in you."

Soo was glad she was hiding away from his gaze.

"Are we at that point in our relationship already?"

"We skipped right to the point where we cry at each other, so I feel safe in saying so."

Soo's laugh was muffled against his jacket. She circled her arms around his middle but the embrace was short-lived, So moving to hitch her a cab. He opened the door for her and Soo only hoped she wasn't as red as she felt she was.

"What about you?"

"My place is not that far from here."

"It's raining, So."

"I could use the sprint so I don't embarrass myself further today."

She laughed.

"And here I thought being smooth was just a second nature to you."

"I try my best."

Soo got into the car and rolled down the window to bid him goodnight. As the car drove away and she looked at his fading image on the rear-view mirror, she felt a pain take hold of her heart and a thought consume her mind. Soo's eyes widened at the certainty of it, of its urgency that made her heartbeats sound like ominous drums.

 _So is going to die._

She told the driver to stop. She climbed out of the car and ran, even though she had walked around all day, even though she was tired and fatigued and could risk falling at any moment. Even though it was the first time they met outside the hospital walls, Soo ran up to him, threw her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. It was quick and she was already out of breath. A part of her screamed that it was not that point of their relationship, but the voice, the voice whose source was as mysterious as its intent, the voice that woke her up to a world where she survived, where she could breathe again, it whispered his name and she felt it in her blood.

"You said your place is not far?" She asked in-between breaths.

So definitely looked attractive with her lipstick on his lips and his tongue moving to taste it.

 _I'm not leaving you._

* * *

The sound startled her awake and she groaned inwardly. Without opening her eyes, she moved her hand around, under the pillow, anywhere near the edge of the bed, searching for the source of the offending noise, but she could not find her phone. She let her hand drop down when she remembered she didn't need to check her morning texts anymore, she didn't have work shifts to cover or bosses to answer to. Her body was trained to a different life, an alien life. The current Hae Soo could sleep in, could indulge in self-care, at least for now, just a short while before her life caught up to her, she could fill her thoughts with...

Soo opened her eyes, letting them take their time to adjust to the dim light of morning. She took in the strange room but barely registered anything else once her eyes settled on the man lying beside her.

 _Oh. I actually did that._

Wang So was facing her, still asleep, lying on his stomach. His arms or legs didn't invade her space. In fact, Soo thought he looked rather self-contained, a life spent accommodating others, even if he had a big bed for himself now. Shared a bed with one of his brothers, maybe? In her semi-awake state, Soo rolled over on her side to face him as well, holding herself back from reaching out and touching him, his face. As if they hadn't kissed until their lips felt numb, as if his fingertips hadn't been imprinted on her skin, both of them reveling and surrendering to their attraction and desire, Soo's body growing tired from wrapping itself around his. She pulled the blanket over her head and made an effort not to make any noise.

 _What is he going to think about me now?_

But, as she slowly pulled the blanket down to peer at his sleeping face, the embarrassment and worry in her stomach mixed with fondness. The angle of his tousled hair felt familiar, as did his bare back, as if she had run her hands across it many times before, recognizing the traces of his body when he moved. She had held and comforted him before and they had sex but it was a different kind of intimacy, one that transcended her current knowledge of him. The night before, she had moved without thought, almost on instinct, looking at him as he liked to be looked, kissing him as he liked to be kissed, her short nails digging into his scalp and back in ways that rippled through him, their chests heaving in rhythm.

She seemed to remember and forget, all at once, and it drove her almost into tears.

 _Why does it feel so right with you? And why do I know you're going to be taken away from me?_

Soo tried to calm herself down, considered leaving but thought it would be worse, it could make the whole situation even more complicated and she couldn't risk it. She had stayed with him for a single reason, one without sense or correlation to anything she had lived or seen or experienced with him but that seemed to consume her ever since she had first opened her eyes. She was certain of very few things in her life, but she was certain of the rain that would fall down that day and she was certain that she had to save him.

She didn't know that her restlessness and shifting would wake him up, but she was certain of his smile. He did.

"Hey," he greeted. Soo felt shy again, felt conscious of what they shared.

"Hey," she greeted back, small, all the way from her corner of the bed.

"Is it early?"

"I don't know, I couldn't find my phone."

"Living room, I think," he said, voice slurred with sleep, eyes drawing close. Soo bit her lower lip, bit back a smile, afraid that he would look at her and see how much she liked him.

"I think it's on the floor here, I heard a message alert..."

So opened his eyes again. Soo had pulled the blanket over her mouth and nose, only her round eyes blinking at him.

"Do you have somewhere to be?"

She shook her head.

"It's probably my mom checking on me and my friend."

He chuckled.

"Would she approve of me as that friend, I wonder?"

Soo pulled the blanket down, one hand moving to support her head as a pillow, the other reaching out, halfway towards him.

"You're a good friend," she said, and she meant it. Above her confusion and conflict and unbased certainties, he was her friend and he was good and she wanted him in her life.

Barely shifting his position, So moved his hand to cover hers, meeting her where she didn't have the courage to go.

"Stay?" He had his eyes closed again but his hand held hers with a subtle force, conveying his wish as much as his words did. "I rest better when you're with me."

Playfulness was on Soo's lips, making her bold enough to scoot closer.

"You want me around so you can sleep? You know how to make a girl feel important."

He brought their joined hands closer to him.

"Any other girl wouldn't be here."

Soo's fears and insecurities melted inside of her. She watched over him as he drifted back into sleep, not a centimeter closer, but more than hopeful that there'd be a tomorrow for them. She hadn't ruined anything. She hadn't taken advantage of him. She held his hand and he held it back.

Somewhere in the room, Soo heard her mother send her another message. She closed her eyes and slept enveloped in Wang So's warmth.

* * *

 _ **I really like being with you.**_

Soo reread the message so many times during the day that, had it been a note, it'd be crumbled and torn at the edges. She read it before she went to sleep, she read it before getting dressed for the day, she read it during breakfast, like her father reading a newspaper. She hadn't spent an entire day with him since their first kisses, their first night. Soo was anxiously looking for a job and So spent his days at the hospital, so they resorted to messages again. He sent the message one night, out of the blue, with no prompt or circumstance. It made Soo ache for him, a disproportional longing that made her feel like she had gone a little crazy.

 _You're not in love with him. Stop it._

It never seemed like the appropriate time. So would spend some nights at the hospital and Soo felt she should let him rest on the nights he went home. She sent him good morning's and good night's and talked about mundane things about her day, people she had seen, places she had been and food she wanted him to try, all in hopes of cheering him up, of being part of his life. He seemed genuinely happy when she got a job at a shop at the mall and called her on the night before her first day.

" _ **Are you nervous?"**_

"A little," she lied. "But I've been practicing and I don't think I lost my touch."

" _ **You've been practicing? On whom?"**_

"My mother, the neighbors. They like the make-up, but I'm not entirely sure they're reliable sources."

" _ **You'll be fine, Soo."**_

"What if I spill foundation on an innocent old lady?"

" _ **Hae Soo."**_

"You know it could happen!"

" _ **It could, but it won't. Stop freaking out or you'll make it happen."**_

She pouted, even though he couldn't see it.

"All right. But it's my first day and I'm allowed to freak out a little. It's how first days work."

She heard his chuckle and remembered it echoing in his room, the way he looked at her in the dim light, both bared to each other.

" _ **Why don't we go out to dinner after your shift, then?"**_

Did he remember it, too?

" _ **If you're not too tired, that is."**_

"No! I want to. If you're also not tired."

" _ **I'm okay."**_ A pause. _ **"I miss you, Soo."**_

She took a moment to pull the phone away from her ear, so he couldn't hear her giggle.

"Baek Ah not a good Soo replacement?" She joked, nervous of what she could blurt out so easily after that confession.

" _ **Too tall, not clumsy enough."**_

She sighed.

"I almost fall down the stairs once and I'm marked for life."

" _ **You're the one who said you're scared of approaching old ladies."**_

Soo laughed, sliding down the pillow she was leaning against and lying fully on her bed.

"I miss you too."

There was a pause in his response and she could picture him looking through the window, hopefully smiling at her. He had said it first. He had missed her first.

" _ **Sleep well, Soo. I'll see you tomorrow."**_

"You rest, too. Good night."

After she hung up, Soo was quick to turn off her lights and lie down. Everything was going well and she was going to meet So. He had said he liked being with her — _really_ liked being with her — and that he missed her. Maybe he liked her as much as she liked him. Maybe she could be with him for a long time. If his mother woke up like she did, he'd be even happier. She could support him until then. Bring him some happiness.

 _Maybe all those nagging feelings have been a bad dream I forget once I wake up. It feels so silly now._

She closed her eyes and quickly drifted into sleep, feeling the most positive she had been since she woke up from her accident.

* * *

Something was wrong. She felt it as a sharp pain in her chest the moment she woke up. It was a bright morning but it would turn, a storm was coming, a roaring wind. Before she even brushed her teeth she sent him a message, a good morning, _**Let's do our best today!**_ Reassuring more herself than him, a self-fulfilling promise. But he didn't reply and the pain didn't stop. She stared at her phone the entire time on the way to work but nothing changed.

By midday, the sun had disappeared from the sky, swallowed by dark clouds. Soo had lost her shine and her hope, a moonless night inside of her. She barely ate anything during her break, alone in a far-off spot at the mall's food court, not in the right mood or the right day to make work acquaintances, to think of anybody but him. There was definitely something up with So and she was too scared to call, her second message falling in the abyss of silence. With every meticulous touch of her brush to her clients, she told herself, _it's fine, you're overreacting, he probably stayed up all night and is resting, that's all._ By the end of the day, she had run out of excuses.

She heard the rain before she saw it, drumming against the glass ceiling of the food court. The sky was completely dark; the rain, a downpour. She stood in the middle of the mall crowd, looking up at the ceiling, transfixed.

Lightning flashed across the sky and across her mind.

The sound of the storm was loud in her ears and she saw him. Standing by the bridge they had walked through on their first date, his hands touching the railing. In the vision, she couldn't call out his name, she only shouted, tried to catch his attention, but So didn't look at her. She watched, the blood through her veins turning into ice, as his foot moved up on the railing. She ran, her arm outstretched before her, the storm filling all of her senses, robbing her of her breath, but all she could see was him, falling. And the river, drawing closer to him, closer to her.

When thunder followed, Soo was brought back to the mall, drawing a sharp breath, letting air fill her desperate lungs.

She ran.

Soo didn't call for a cab, she threw herself in front of the car. The honk was deafening but she saw and heard nothing, she just rushed over to the passenger's seat, already drenched, asking in a desperate voice to be taken to the hospital. He was going to be there. He had to.

She paid the man with trembling hands, forgetting her change, not even closing the car door on her way to the hospital entrance, the elevator. In her agitation, she ought to have taken the stairs but Soo still retained her sanity, she would simply not have the strength to reach him if she climbed all the way to his floor, so she paced back and forth in the elevator, she prayed. Once the doors opened, she jumped out, ignoring the nurses calling her and how her shoes slipped on the marble floor.

So was there. Sitting on the chair where she saw him the third time they met, when she gave him a beverage to warm himself. He was leaning forward, head bent down, face away from her view.

"Oh, thank God," Soo said, breathed, leaning against the nearest wall and sliding towards the floor. At the sound of her voice, So's head snapped up.

"Soo?" He rushed to her side, kneeling down on one knee, touching her shoulders. "What happened to you? Are you okay?"

Soo laughed a humorless laugh, pressing the heels of her hands against her eyelids. She inhaled deeply, in hopes of calming down her nerves.

"I'm..."

Looking at his eyes, Soo noticed how red and swollen they were.

"What happened? Is your mother okay?"

So adverted his eyes.

"She went into cardiac arrest this morning."

Soo's eyes widened.

 _She's dead._

"They managed to stabilize her, but..."

Soo stood up, pulling him up with her more than the other way around. She had almost been in several accidents on her way to him but she didn't know which one of them looked worse.

"They're monitoring her, yes?"

He nodded.

"You should go home."

His eyes looked between hers, frightened like a child.

"But what if—"

"It'll be okay, So. I promise."

Promises were heavy. She had once promised a boy she would save him and her promise brought her to the bottom of the sea, crashed by the waves. The sound of a door opening distracted them and So rushed to his mother's doctor. Soo stood by his side as the doctor told them she remained stable, but that her situation remained unchanged. She was still in a coma. The doctor echoed Soo's words and told So that he should go home and rest, that they all had had a long day. So only complied once the doctor assured him that he would call if anything happened.

Soo held his hand, pulling him away from his mother. She walked carefully then, in a pace that he could match, her heart in peace. The turbulence was gone. Outside, it still rained, but softer, watering the plants, soothing down the earth, her heart. Soo raised her hand and called for a cab calmly, walking in first, never letting go of his hand. She told the driver his address perfectly, even though she had only been there once, and for the entire ride, he kept his head on her shoulder, his fingers laced with hers and squeezing her firmly.

"You should take a shower," Soo told him once they were inside, right before she sneezed. She blinked up at him as if it was the most unexpected development. So gave her his lopsided smile, albeit smaller.

"You should shower first, Soo. I must have something here that you can use."

The pajamas top he gave her was long enough that she could use as a nightgown. Her shower was quick, she did not bother to wash her hair, staying under the warm water long enough for it to sweep into her, wash her stress away. So went in right after she was done, no words shared between them. Soo sat on his bed, kicking her feet impatiently, sending her mother a text to inform her she was sleeping at a friend's house, wondering how long that would stick until her mother demanded to know the man she was dating. Were they dating? She threw the phone on the bed and walked to the kitchen, checking to see if there were enough ingredients to make a dinner with, but finding herself unable to think of anything she wanted to eat. Should she ask So if he wanted to order anything?

She walked back to his bedroom and saw he was already done with his shower. She leaned against the doorframe and watched as he picked up her phone, turned it to inspect the drawings on the case, then placed it gently on the pillow.

"What do you want to eat?" She asked, walking over to him as he sat on the bed. So shook his head.

"I'm not hungry. You should get yourself something."

"I'm not hungry, either."

Soo stood before him, her thumbs massaging his temples. So looked up at her, blinking slowly, sleepily, before closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against her. She ran her hands through his damp hair, being saddened for him but so happy that he was with her that she could cry.

"I saw my brothers today," he whispered.

"How did it go?"

"My younger brother cried. My older brother didn't say anything."

Soo kissed the top of his head. _Could have been worse._

"They left shortly before you arrived. It was like... I wasn't even there. I couldn't look at them. I didn't have the courage."

She wrapped an arm around his shoulders and shushed him, but he looked at up her, still with that look, the pleading look, his bangs half covering one of his eyes.

"You're not leaving, are you?"

Soo smiled and shook her head.

"Come on, you should rest."

She walked over to the light switch and turned it off, listening to the sounds of So getting under the covers. She walked slowly back to the bed, not missing a step, and her heart took a leap in his direction once his arms found their way to her middle, keeping her close. Soo felt him, his breath, against her chest and she wrapped her arms around his neck, cradling him, continuing her caress, her eyes half-lidded in the darkness.

"Soo."

She hummed.

"What happened to you? Why did you get to the hospital like that?"

She shut her eyes tightly, trying to fight the visions of him at the bridge with happier memories. Memories of them.

"You never answered my messages, I... got worried. I felt something bad had happened."

 _I saw you die. You died right before my eyes. You died and I couldn't save you._

She felt one of his hands move up her back, draw her even closer.

"I wanted to call you, but I didn't want you to meet my brothers. You came at the right time anyway, like you knew I wanted you there." He sighed. "I wish we had met at a different time."

She felt him move, his nose nuzzling her neck, her pulse. She felt exposed, like he knew her heart beat for him at that moment.

"Stay with me, Soo."

The voice whispered, _don't leave him. S_ he heard it clearly and, for the first time, she recognized it. The tone and cadence of every word, a voice she heard every single day. It was her own. Whispering, clinging to Wang So.

She knew she loved him then.

* * *

She kept dreaming about falling cherry blossoms.

The days were short, went by fast, and puzzled her greatly. Every second of every day brought her closer to spring, closer to So, the feelings of his arms, the happy glint in his eyes. However, the realization of her feelings brought a new wave of emotions, a tapestry of complex contradictions. Her mother would tease her about the boyfriend Soo ought to bring home and it annoyed Soo, like a joke that had long grown old, like she was expecting a different reaction, a different line, and it never came. Lying in bed with So, his arm across her stomach, his soft breath against her shoulder, she felt anxiety cage her, rattle her insides. When she closed her eyes, she thought of their first encounter, of him falling over after pulling her back and the kindness she couldn't forget. It calmed her down enough to fall asleep, but not enough to brush the discomfort away.

Something was going to happen.

Walking down to the music school where he had resumed his work, Soo thought about the signs she had been receiving ever since she woke up from her coma and how it all connected to So. That he was going to die, that he needed saving, that she needed to protect him and stay by his side. Her footsteps matched the hand of the clock, moving forward, always forward, under the pale sun, a shy coming of Spring. The voice whispered so many things but Soo was just one woman, starting her life from scratch, still struggling to remember faces and events, getting her life together, starting a relationship. She had no special powers, unless you counted the glow on her clients' faces after she had chosen the right products, the right colors to lighten up their complexions, or the light in So's eyes when she held his hand outside his mother's room.

The puzzle was incomplete, scattered flowers on the pavement.

She halted when she saw him, a lone figure messing with his phone by the gates. Her own phone beeped inside her purse and he looked up, eyes wide with surprise and shining, just for her. Soo hesitated for a second or two before approaching him, taking a mental picture, an image she could never forget. So, standing by the music school gates, clad in blue and the afternoon sun, no shadows in his eyes. In her mind's eyes, she blew on the picture like a polaroid, placing it in an album with his name. Some of the pictures had doubles. She shook her head mentally, shaking off the _deja vu_ , and was soon holding his hands.

"You're here early," he said, tucking her hair behind her ears.

"I had an early shift so we could plan a good dinner," she said, a half-lie, she had been sent away for looking pale and sickly. "Are you visiting your mother tonight?"

He shook his head.

"I stopped by in the morning."

Soo raised herself on her tiptoes, leveling herself closer to his eyes.

"When are you going to tell her about me?" She asked, her heels falling back on the ground, back to their usual height difference, allowing her to wrap her arms around his middle. _"When are you entering the room?"_ hung in the small space between them.

So pulled her closer by her shoulders, kissing her temple, sighing by her ear.

"In due time. It's less fun without you panicking about actually meeting her and tripping over your own feet."

Soo scoffed.

"I would do no such thing! What about you? You haven't met my mother and she's quite well at home."

She backed away to look at him but he was looking away.

"What do you want to have for dinner? We should get going."

Soo laughed as he broke off their embrace and pulled her along, hurrying away from the school gates, the wind whipping their hair back. Stopping by a streetlight, Soo held his hand with both of hers.

"I'm kidding, you know."

"I know," he replied, lacing his fingers with hers. Soo rested her head against his shoulder, waiting. The sign glared red as the sunset.

"You can take your time," Soo said, even though she felt differently with every second that passed. She would take notice of everything, the pause in his movements and the sound of his breathing, trying to notice the signs and fight the omen. Time was her ally, enemy and ground.

So rested his head against hers.

"Are you quoting myself at me?"

She opened her eyes, vision glazing into the distance.

"You've always known what to say." She leaned away from him, the curls of her hair dancing in the wind as she turned her head to look at him. "They're my words, too, if you give them to me."

The sign turned green and they crossed the road together, matching their pace and almost their steps but Soo was small and her strides were short. She liked hopping sometimes, like a schoolgirl, if only to make him laugh. The streetlights slowly turned on as they walked together, a quiet evening, not a single voice chattering, not a single child laughing and messing around. Soo felt they were normal, a normal couple, and that nothing else existed, only the usual steps towards intimacy, commitment and trust. One day, when neither of them had wounds to heal or abysses to cross, they might even have their quarrels like everybody else. Soo looked down at her shoes and his. It had been such a short time. It was always longer to Hae Soo.

"Why don't we go see the cherry blossoms next week?" So said, snapping her safety bubble and bringing her back into their present. "I did promise I'd take you and there's no rain in the forecast."

She narrowed her eyes.

"Did you check? I don't trust spring weather."

He leaned down to her eye level, not even stopping their walk.

"Yes."

Soo moved their joined hands back and forth, love in swings, teenagers in love.

"Ah, my boyfriend is so thoughtful."

"Only because my girlfriend sulks in the rain."

"I do not sulk!" Soo whined. "It's just... better when it doesn't rain. Our dates don't get ruined."

Her smile hid the words, _I don't have visions then._

So stopped in front of a restaurant, the one from their first date.

"All right, all right. So, do you want to go?"

Soo leaped at him.

"Yes!"

* * *

The first time Soo rode on So's motorcycle was a freeing experience. The weather was good, just like the forecast said it would be, and the wind felt refreshing with the warm sun on her back. Holding tightly onto So, she didn't close her eyes, trying to take in as much of the environment as possible, trying to enjoy the ride as much as the destination. She could see the ocean far off in the distance and fear was acid in her stomach but she held on, onto So. His words were hers and her words were his. It would be okay. It would be okay this time.

He never took her close to the railings from where you could watch the sea. He kept her gaze on the land, taking pictures with her, closing his eyes as the petals fell on them. Looking at him then, sleepless nights, work shifts and pacing in hospital halls behind them, his hand in hers, letting her take pictures of him and smiling, breathing the air of spring, Soo fell into a new season of love with him. They were eternal.

A child bumped into him as they were walking. So stopped and crouched down, checking if the boy was fine. The boy nodded and smiled before hurrying away from them, back to his parents. Soo thought of the softness in So every time he was around kids and thought about how much time he spent around them.

 _That's right,_ Soo thought. _I've never heard him play._

The wind felt cold as it whistled by, making her shiver.

 _I've never, ever heard him play an instrument._

So straightened himself and turned to her, his smile faltering when their eyes locked.

"Soo?"

 _Why is that?_

Soo knew the tears were coming as emotion crawled up her throat.

 _His phone is going to ring._

His phone rang before he got a reply. His eyebrows shot up when he saw the number.

"Hello?"

 _He's going to leave._

He waited for the other person to talk, all color draining from his face.

"I'm on my way."

 _And he's going to die._

He hung up and turned to her, eyebrows furrowed in worry.

"Soo, I'm really sorry, but we need to go. My mom is in critical condition again, we need to go back."

His hands felt as cold as hers when he started to pull her away.

 _No._

"No."

So halted. He seemed to turn to her in slow motion, like a dream. She was dreaming, the cherry blossoms falling around them, the cold of night taking hold of her body despite the covers. She was dreaming his pale face and his look of surprise, his Adam's apple moving up and down in distress.

"What?"

She was not dreaming.

"You can't go."

"What are you talking about, Soo?"

"You can't go to the hospital now, So."

 _You're going to die. You'll get into an accident and you'll die on the pavement, alone or with me, but you're going to die._

He turned to her fully, grabbing her by the shoulders but not shaking her, not yet.

"Soo, we need to go. My mother might die."

"She's going to die tonight."

She must have looked as bad as she felt from the way he staggered back, away from her. Her lips moved with the fact but she didn't feel anything but desperation on her skin. She took hold of his hand again and he stared at her, unblinking.

"You can't go, So. Please. We could... go tomorrow!" Her smile was weak, fake, trembling along with her core. "Yes, we can go back tomorrow, together, but not today. Please."

"I can't— I'm sorry, Soo, we'll talk about this later."

When he broke free from her grasp on him and started walking away, Soo knew. With every tear that fell down from her eyes, she knew. She remembered. His jacket was pink that time, but it had been black, blue. One time he didn't wear a jacket, he left it behind because the weather was too good. Soo felt her purse falling down her shoulder, onto the ground, to the stone steps under her feet. She was falling again, yes, but falling into herself, into the memories that flooded her like the sea had invaded her lungs. Unwelcome but inevitable. Soo knew it all. She remembered.

She walked towards the railings, her hands grasping the cold steel. Then she took off her shoes, pastel blue and chosen especially for the occasion, the spring she wanted to see with him, the spring she wanted to share with him. They never made it past spring. She had never heard him play. Could So sing?

When she pulled herself up and over the railing, a nearby woman screamed, knowing what she was going to do. On the other side, there was not much ground for her feet to stand on and then there was only the ocean — distant, cold and deep.

"Soo?"

She turned her head and he was there. Far but there, looking at her.

"Ah," she said. "This is new."

"Soo, what are you doing?" He was running towards her then. "Get back here, it's dangerous!"

"You don't understand," Soo said, her voice a shadow of itself. "If I can't make you stay, then it's over. It's always like this. I've been trying to change it for so long."

"Soo, I don't know what's going on, but you need to get over here so we can talk." He held her hands that gripped the railing, but Soo shook her head.

"I've already failed this turn. I need to go back and try again." She smiled in her tears but her lips insisted on trembling. "I need to try again but it's so hard when I can't remember, I can only remember when it's too late."

"Soo," he said, speaking very slowly, as though she was a child. "You're not making any sense. Please come back over here."

"You always go and see her. She always dies and so do you. I've been trying to stop it for so long..." She took one hand off the railing to wipe her tears away and So leaped at her, wrapped his arms around her chest from behind.

"Soo, I can't choose between her and you. Please don't make me do this. Come back over here."

She placed her hand on his arm, closing her eyes.

"I can't make you choose and that's why I can never save you. That's why I need to go back and find another way."

"Go back where, Soo?"

She opened her eyes and all she saw was the ocean, reflecting the colors of spring like a mirror.

"In time. If I jump from here now, I can go back and try and save you."

So moved back, away from her. She saw him appear beside her, out the corner of her eye.

"Go back in... How do you— Have you... done this before?"

She smiled her saddest smile at him, the wind blowing her hair in all directions, obscuring her face, obscuring her will.

"This isn't goodbye. I'll come back."

"Soo, you're unwell. Please come back."

Soo hoped he believed her. Something told her he did. He clenched his jaw in the way he did when he was fighting himself, but he probably didn't know what he was fighting against. Was it possible that, even if his mind didn't remember, having never traveled through time, that his body did? The hundreds of days they spent together, the many winters, their many firsts? He let his tears fall down freely and Soo could hear the alarm all around them, people making calls, rescue that was on its way. However, in their little world, just hers and her Wang So's, his darling hair out of place, his hands that reached out for her, she knew the secrets of the universe and she wanted to convey them to him.

"Why?" He asked. "Why, when we barely know each other?"

She let out a brief laugh. It had been such a short time. To Hae Soo, it had been years.

"If you could do something to save someone, wouldn't you? If you were the only one who could?"

"You're going to get hurt," he said, and Soo exhaled a ragged breath.

"I'll be okay. I'm always okay. I can't see you get hurt anymore." She shook her head. "I'll remember this time."

She looked straight into his eyes.

"I have to."

Her hand let go of the railing and she took a step back into the air, into the fall. She closed her eyes, her hands clasping before her heart, clasped in prayer. She never saw him jumping after her. She only felt his warmth envelop her right before they both reached the water, right before its surface broke them, right before darkness took over.

* * *

 _Oh gods, if any of you are out there... whoever allowed me to turn back time for him, please hear me just once._

 _Please let me save him. Give me one more chance._

 _One last time._

 _Help me._

* * *

The first time was an accident.

Caught in the rain without an umbrella, recently recovered Hae Soo was crossing a bridge when she saw him. She shielded her eyes, sure she had seen him somewhere, when she remembered she saw him at the hospital once, frantically pacing in the halls. Hae Soo was cold and drenched but she couldn't move, there was something about him, something about the way he stood, unmoving and quiet in the rain, watching the horizon. When he placed his foot on the railing, Soo ran, but she wasn't close enough, she wasn't fast enough. She managed to grasp his pants; it was useless to him, to save his life, but enough to drag her down, off the bridge with him, both falling into the river. Rescue was, like Soo, too late.

She woke up in her hospital room, out of breath, heart pounding loudly against her ears. The doctors soon came. It was late October, 2016. She had awakened from a long coma for the second time. She remembered the boy she had tried to save, but she didn't remember the man. Not at that moment. By November, 2016, she saw him crying by his mother's door and the memory was an electrical storm, a knife in her gut. She was confused and she ran away from him, away from the man who was supposed to be dead. She met him again in early spring of 2017; she witnessed his accident, watched as the truck hit his bike and he was sent flying. It was the bridge again, and it was on that bridge that she saw him draw his last breath. The ambulance took him away but it was, again, too late. Overtaken by the shock, Hae Soo didn't see the green sign had turned red and was run over by a car. She drowned on the pavement, betrayed by her own blood.

It was always October, 2016. The doctors always explained the same things. Her mother always cried. Sometimes she remembered she had died, sometimes she forgot it all until it was too late. However, at the end of the hall, not a month later, there was always a man. A crying, anxious man. On the times she remembered, she approached him with intent, with a handkerchief she had asked from her mother, to dry his tears. He was always so confused by her, like he didn't expect her, as if strangers had never offered him their hand. Soo did. When she remembered, she could still see the blood on his face and hear his final words, words that haunted her:

" _I don't want to die."_

On the times she didn't remember, her hands still took her to him, her wheelchair approaching his chair, a hot beverage to keep him warm. She saw kindness in his smile and was drawn to it, was tired of being fussed over, she wanted to do something for her own. He was her person. Her secret, meetings late at night, whispered confessions between gray walls. He was scared of death. She was scared of the future. They stopped trembling when they fit together, their hands, their mouths, their selves. She didn't expect to fall in love with him, she never meant to, but oh, on the times she remembered, his smiles were sweeter and every angle of his face were flattering, his words precious as if they were gone the moment he spoke them. Soo would hold him like he was the most important thing in the world and she knew it was wrong, a single person couldn't be the world, but what kind of world existed without him? Soo was scared of the future, and so she died.

And so she died.

It was always late October, 2016.

* * *

The drowning survivor coughed out the burning, salty water and rolled on her side.

She took deep breaths, her fingers clutching the sand beneath her body, her mind in disarray. Her first coherent thought was, _"The boy."_ She looked around and found him lying on his back, motionless, and for a moment she felt every sharp pain in her body like needles, _I've failed him, I've failed_ , but his chest moved up and then down and her exhale was ragged, heavy with relief.

"Are you okay?"

Her head whipped in the direction of the voice, surprised, shocked. When she had jumped into the water, there had been nobody on the beach, it was too cold for a swim, too cloudy for a walk, but there he was. Soaked, black hair sticking to his forehead. Hae Soo shivered, every part of her trembling, from the inside out. The man sighed and pushed his hair back, inhaling carefully, doing a better job of calming himself down than Soo.

"The ambulance is on its way, you'll both be fine."

When he touched her shoulder, she jolted back. She was overwhelmed, her senses, her mind, it hurt to breathe. Soo looked at the sun, hiding between the clouds, and her vision doubled, blurred, blacked out. She fell back and her consciousness flickered like the flame of a candle, the man's voice and the ambulance sirens fading away like smoke.

* * *

The second time Hae Soo woke up, she found herself in a hospital room. Her eyes, unused to the clarity, to the yellow tint the sun gave the room from the window, squinted for recognition. Calmly, with her eyes closed, she tried to think back, to recall what had happened.

She was walking by the beach on her way home from work. She had an early shift and she wanted to enjoy the late afternoon sun of a spring that was slowly turning into summer, but as soon as she reached the seaside, the sun hid itself away and a cold wind came in its stead. She was hurrying home when she heard the calls for help. She almost didn't see the boy, so far back he was in the waters. Without a thought, she threw her purse away, never minding where, took off her shoes, and jumped into the sea. She swam and swam, fighting the current, until she reached him. She held him as best as she could, trying to keep his nose out of the water, but it was hard to swim back while carrying him. The waves broke on top of them so many times and Soo was so small. It had been a bad idea, but she had been there... she had been there, so how could she not try?

" _If you could do something to save someone, wouldn't you? If you were the only one who could?"_

Soo sat up quickly, the pieces falling together in her mind, the breeze blowing on the sand and revealing something deep, something lost inside of her.

Her eyes fell on him, sleeping on a chair beside her bed. He wasn't drenched anymore, and his hair had the fluff of cleanliness. He slept peacefully for such an uncomfortable position. Soo didn't need a voice to tell her who he was, what importance he held. She knew. Looking at him there, sleeping soundly like a cat, the morning sun showering him with grace, she knew.

His head switched to the side and his eyes opened. Soo watched him with a hand on her chest, her emotions burning in anticipation, just beneath her surface. He sat up straighter, clearing his throat, rubbing the sleep off his eyes.

"You're awake," he said, stating the obvious, but Soo didn't mind. She felt like she was dreaming, a different dream, a different scenario. Finally. The dome that held her life fell, shattered into a million pieces of the floor. She could almost hear the glass break. It was just his voice. "We couldn't contact your family because we couldn't identify you, so I uh... stayed." He ran a hand through his hair. "Thought you... might feel better that way."

 _So I wouldn't be alone._ She clutched at the sheets, closing her eyes, trying to steel herself. Why was everything different? What changed in the last timeline?

"...name?"

She blinked her eyes open, in his direction. She felt small, lost inside the multitude of a world she didn't know. It wasn't like the other timelines. She had never experienced something like it before. But she could infer what he had asked, even if she had missed the beginning.

"Soo... Hae Soo. My name's Hae Soo."

The man nodded, leaning forward. His eye level was much lower than hers so she didn't have to look up into the sunlight, the dizziness and light-headedness not as overwhelming.

"Can you give me your family's number, Hae Soo? The hospital staff needs to call them."

She closed her eyes, doing her best to remember. She recited him the numbers and he noted them on his phone. The man — _Wang So —_ stood up and walked to the door, but his hand didn't reach for the knob. Instead, he turned on his heels and faced her again.

"What were you thinking? Why didn't you ask for help?"

Soo's big, round eyes widened at the sharpness of his words. He continued.

"If I hadn't been there... What would have happened? Did you consider that? Did you consider how people who cared about you would feel if something happened to you?!"

The tears came soon after, abundant like dozens of years. Her upper body fell forward, her head almost touching the sheets and she cried. Her back arched and ached, shaking with every sob, and she cried. She cried for all of his deaths, for all of his smiles. Above all, she cried for herself. For the water in her lungs, for the blood in her lungs, for every bone that she felt crack, for every moment between life and the rebirth where she felt broken, cold and alone.

"I was so scared," she whispered. "I was so, so scared."

She didn't hear him approach her or sit beside her. She just felt his hand on top of her head, warm, comforting, and she cried harder.

"I'm such a jerk." She didn't hear him mutter, but he did. "I don't know why I'm so angry."

It was only after she had stopped, after she had cried all the tears in her body, lost every ounce of strength that was keeping her upright, it was only after he helped her lie down that she noticed he had cried, too. He patted her head, patted her hair into place, unable to hide the redness in his eyes and the tear streaks on his cheeks. He was smiling when he said,

"It's going to be okay now."

She closed her eyes, allowing herself to drift off. She believed him.

In the middle of the unknown, amongst her uncertainties, she believed in him.

* * *

Her mother still cried and held her tight. Her brother, however, seemed much less affected, still too young to know what it was like to almost lose someone. The doctors said different things that time, things she hadn't heard many, many times before, because, in that timeline, she had never been in a coma, she didn't need rehabilitation and she didn't feel detached from her life. She knew exactly who she was; she knew her friends and her talents and flaws. Her last work shift had been merely forty-eight hours prior, not months ago. She was Hae Soo, twenty-six years old, skillful beautician, expert in avoiding the blind dates her friends set for her.

The calendar on her bedside table read May, 2015.

She had forgotten just how much time she lost, so focused she had been on what she had gained, on what she didn't want to lose. She visited the boy in his room and his mother hugged her so tightly she felt weak and elated, all at once. He was alive. He was well. He apologized for his impulsiveness to try and swim that day, swore that the weather had been good when he had entered the water, swore that he would be more careful from then on. Soo forgave him, laughing with relief. His name was Eun and she patted his head when he was on the verge of tears.

She was discharged on that very same day. Her mother, clumsy and forgetful, hurried home to bring her a change of clothes. Soo waited. Holding the calendar in her hands, she felt she had so much time she barely knew where to begin, what to do with it.

She heard a knock on her open door and when she looked up, he was there, smiling shyly at her.

"It's you again," she said, the smile so easy on her lips.

"And you're still here," he said, approaching her bed. "I thought you'd be discharged by now."

'Then why did you come?" She asked, tilting her head to the side. He shrugged, laughing. Embarrassed.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah. It helped seeing the boy was okay. Even though it was you who saved us both."

Wang So shook his head, sitting on her bed, even though there was a chair in the room.

"You almost made it on your own, really. You did a good job, even though you're the most reckless girl I've ever met."

She blushed and hid her face and he pointed at her.

"Hey! That's not a compliment. Or not one... entirely. Stop being coy."

She looked at him again. She hugged her knees against her chest so she wouldn't reach out for him.

"I'm just happy."

"Happy?"

She nodded.

"It ended well, so I'm happy."

Wang So sighed, almost as if he was saying, _What am I going to do with you?_ It made her giggle.

"Just don't do that again. Your family seems nice and concerned about you."

Soo nodded.

"I'll be careful, I promise."

"Good."

A silence fell between them, broken only by the birds chirping near her window. It was the spring Soo had missed. The spring she longed for, and he was there.

" _I wish we had met at a different time."_

"Thank you."

Soo let go of her knees, facing him sincerely. When she spoke again, she tried to convey all her gratitude, for all their first meetings, for all the times he stayed by her side.

"Thank you for helping me and for staying with me."

He flushed and avoided her eyes, running a hand through his hair, his tongue on his lips, but still he sat with her. The ticking of the clock sounded slower at that moment, between them.

"How can I repay you?"

He scratched his nose.

"You don't have to repay me."

"Do you like sweets?"

She knew he did, but he looked like he was thinking. She wanted to flick him on the forehead for acting cute and coy.

"Okay, let's say I do."

"I know a place with many good cakes. We could buy one for Eun, as well, I think he'll like it."

Wang So gave her his endearing, lopsided smile.

"That sounds good. Do you have a pen and paper?"

Soo reached for her bedside table and picked up a small notepad and a pen. He wrote something quickly and handed it back to her. She recognized the number. She couldn't wait to save it as _So_ again.

"Wang So."

The name rolled off her tongue, permeated with the fondness in her heart. He met her eyes for a few seconds before standing up and turning his back on her. She felt a little bit proud of herself for making him embarrassed. She would not calculate her words or pretend she wasn't interested. She would make her way into his heart, hoping he would still like her when they both felt so fine and free. She liked him for more than his emotional scars and wounds, for more than his kindness and sympathy. She liked him for the songs she longed to hear him play, for the sweetness in his eyes when he was around kids, for the joy on his lips when he stood still and the cherry blossoms fell on him. She missed his hands and his lips and his voice, calling her name as she called his.

"See you soon," he said from the door, and she nodded, waving, missing him the exact second he was gone.

 _This is our chance, So. I'll make it work._

 _I'll make it work for the both of us._

* * *

" _ **I lived through it."**_

Soo melted on her bed, letting all of her stress and anxiety evaporate from her body. From his side of the line, she heard the sounds of So falling down on his own bed, a pleasant sigh escaping his lips.

"So it was actually nice? She behaved nicely?"

So's laugh sounded as surprised as she did.

" _ **Yeah! It was a good family dinner. Jung did most of the talking but we all made it through it without resorting to physical or verbal jabs."**_

Soo smiled at her ceiling.

"I told you it was good to start with Jung. He's younger and probably misses having an older brother."

" _ **Yeah, but he's the closest to mom, I never thought—"**_

"You think too much, So."

" _ **That's rich coming from you, Miss 'I Always Consider The Worst Possible Scenarios Every Time I Leave The House.'"**_

"Hey, my advice worked, didn't it? You should listen to me more."

" _ **If I listened to you more, I wouldn't even own a bike."**_

"Maybe you shouldn't. Maybe you should walk to work."

" _ **Hae Soo."**_

"Fine," she said, drawing out the vowels. She could picture him rolling his eyes at her. "I'm really glad it's working out for you, So."

" _ **Thank you for encouraging me to talk to Jung."**_

She closed her eyes and ran her hand across her bed, wishing he were there.

"I just pushed you in his direction, you did everything by yourself."

" _ **Won't you move in with me?"**_

Soo snapped her eyes open.

"Wait, what?"

" _ **Wait! I was thinking something else entirely. I was thinking I wanted to see you and uh..."**_

In silence, Soo glanced at the calendar on her wall. November, 2015. Still so much time to spend with him before time caught up with them.

" _ **...so, is that a no?"**_

She cleared her throat.

"No, it's not a no. Can we discuss this in person instead? Tomorrow?"

" _ **Oh no, my girlfriend is rejecting me on our six-month anniversary."**_

How could he act so cute and make her want to whack him on the head at the same time?

"No, shut up, okay?" She echoed his laughter. "I mean it, So. Let's not make serious decisions like this. I know you're feeling great now and I don't want you to regret it later."

" _ **But you said I thought too much."**_

"Wang So."

" _ **Using my own tone against me is not fair."**_

It was her turn to roll her eyes at him, even if he couldn't see it.

"You're an idiot and I love you."

She almost dropped her phone. Six months had passed, there he was, asking her to move in with him, and still they hadn't said it. They said it in kisses and touches and pushes in the right directions of their lives, but never in words. Soo realized that she had never once told him, not in all her chances, not in any timeline. She was a time traveler who was held back not by time, but by her own fears. As if So would evaporate the moment she said it. No. It was simpler than that. It had nothing to do with the laws of physics or strange abilities.

She was scared of rejection, that's all. Scared that she had come to love him too much, in a way he couldn't reciprocate. That she was too much, that she could collapse their relationship all by herself.

 _I'm such a coward._

" _ **...oo. Soo, are you there?"**_

She sat up, holding her knees to her chest.

"Yeah, sorry. I uh, spaced out, I think."

" _ **I really wish I could see you now."**_

"It's late, So. Don't you have a meeting tomorrow morning?"

" _ **Baek Ah is going to kill me when I don't pay attention."**_

"If. You mean if."

" _ **I mean what I said."**_

"Good night, you doofus."

The next day, after her shift, he showed up with a bouquet of peonies — her favorites, he remembered — and swooped her up by the waist. Soo eep'd, holding onto his shoulders but melting when his lips met hers. It was a simple, quick kiss, they had shared more passionate ones in the past, but it still made the butterflies flutter in her stomach like it was their first. His eyes had that glint — that light that she hoped deeply was because she made him happy, through listening to him talk about his life, about his passions, about his fears, and sharing the little things that made her herself, from her favorite foods to the funny way her hair covered her face in the early morning, making him laugh. Soo was embarrassed but happy to be there, her feet in the air, looking at him from above. _I have more to give you now,_ she thought. _I'm whole and I can give you more._

"Happy six-month anniversary," he said and she pecked his lips before he eased her back on the ground. She could hear a few of her co-workers whistling in the background.

"And to you. Can we please get going now?"

"But you look such an adorable shade of red, I want to imprint it to memory."

"I'm pretty sure I'm going to have at least six pictures from different angles sent to me by tonight so you don't have to."

She took the flowers from him and took his hand; he laughed as they ran. Not a single raindrop was predicted for that day in November.

"So I've been in touch with a few older friends and we're thinking of opening up our own cosmetics shop. What do you think?" She asked, their interlaced hands swinging back and forth between them.

"You'd be like Baek Ah and me, no more angry managers to worry about. Although Baek Ah did look kind of angry when I spaced out this morning."

"If you say Baek Ah looked 'kind of angry', I can picture him on the verge of kicking you."

"I think he did, at one point. But only my chair. I can't remember."

She turned to him as they waited for the sign to turn green. Every time she looked at him at crossroads, she felt herself drawn closer to him, as if he was a path to take. On that evening, he shone under the streetlights. Soo pouted.

"Why can't you remember? Are you having memory problems already? Oh, and you're so young..."

He chuckled and disarmed her, cutting off her teasing by kissing her forehead and her temple, his fingers entangling themselves in her hair. With one arm, Soo kept her flowers safe from being crushed between them, while the other held the back of his jacket, clung to him, like he could be taken away from her.

"I love you too," he whispered against her ear. Soo hid her face against his chest.

"Has no one said it to you before?"

"Not while insulting me, no. Really made it special."

"Don't nuzzle my hair, it's dirty," she whined, her voice small.

"I don't care."

He pushed her back to look at her, his hands framing her face. Time stood still, allowing her to trace his nose, cheekbones, lips, the lighting and the angle his bangs fell on his face. It wasn't a supernatural occurrence, just the way time stood still when things felt good, when something was perfect and you wanted to remember every detail, every second so you could think about it before you fell asleep, and every night idealized the moment further until it was your own moment in your heart. So would forever live in her like he did then, happy and in love with her, maybe, just maybe, as much as she was in love with him.

"Do you want to skip the fancy dinner so you can wash your hair?"

"God, yes. Can we do that?"

"And we'll order takeout and discuss your new business prospects."

Soo beamed at him, hugging his middle, propping her chin on his chest.

"And we can discuss your school's Christmas recital."

So laughed.

"There's not much to discuss there."

"You can play me the songs."

"Christmas songs in November."

"There are always Christmas songs in November." She nuzzled his chest. "Let's go home."

The peonies were displayed on So's living room. The flowers accompanied the couple on their laughter and music, as they ate, as they kissed, and as they fell asleep in each other's arms.

* * *

She didn't suspect the call when it came, so lost she was in her own happiness.

She much preferred picking the colors for the walls and the furniture for the store than moving boxes upon boxes around. Her back ached and her feet screamed every time they touched the floor. She threw herself on the couch and fell asleep right then, without even considering going to their bedroom. She woke up to his music, to his guitar, playing a song she didn't know. It was a lullaby and a serenade, his back against the couch, his hair just within her reach, inviting her to gently scrape her nails against his scalp. He leaned in her contact like a cat, turning to her with half-lidded eyes. Their lips were almost touching when his phone rang. He let it ring for a few seconds, perhaps even considering ignoring the call altogether, but he did glance. Soo opened her eyes and she watched romance slip away from him, replaced by worry.

"Yo?"

Yo never called. Yo was too successful, too busy, too many hours spent in his mother's company to call. Still he was his brother, Soo told herself, and perhaps he just wanted to meet him.

"I'm on my way."

She was wrong.

It had been a foolish thought to believe it would all be fixed so easily. As she held onto So, she thought she had been too comfortable, indeed. She should have planned better. She should have considered everything. It was who she was, wasn't it? Hae Soo, Miss Every Possible Outcome. However, she let herself be carried away in the life she built with So, in the prosperity of her career. Time made itself present.

It was November, 2016. So's mother had been in a car accident. He never had a fight with her, they even had dinner together the week before. Yet, all three brothers met outside her room, none allowed to go inside. But Soo knew. She knew they'd have plenty of time to loiter around, to hold her motionless hand.

It rained that night.

* * *

She slept many nights at her mother's place, missing him like she was missing a part of herself. On the nights he allowed her to stay with him at the hospital, she witnessed it, all over again. His hunched back, the pacing, his distant gaze through the window. She didn't know what he thought all the other times and she didn't know it then, either. She had always assumed he was blaming himself quietly, caught in a loop of self-loathing. But her So was not responsible for anything in that last round, he hadn't done anything to cause her accident.

The days turned into months, the Lunar New Year came and went. She did what she could to help with his weight but his smiles were as rare as his sleep. Soo had been with him for so long she didn't have anything new to show him, everything felt meaningless next to his pain. And so she let time take its course, always whispering sweet words when he could hear, when he listened. He thanked her and slept next to her chest, on her lap, as the seasons changed. His music had dulled, had turned into silence. Soo sang to him. Did what she could.

When he suggested they should go to the cherry blossom festival, her heart shrunk in her chest but she agreed. They never even got to leave the apartment. Yo's call came again, as unexpected as the first time. She didn't hear So's reply. His hand dropped and his body leaned against the doorframe and she knew. It had come early. Death had been merciful not to show itself amongst the flowers.

"You should go to your mother's," he said, putting on his shoes.

"So..."

He stood up and turned to her. He smiled.

"I'll be okay. I have to do it on my own. I'll call you when it's over."

He left without a hug, without a kiss. Soo couldn't demand them from him. She fell on the floor, staring at the closed door, praying, hoping, pleading that it wasn't the last time she saw him.

Her mother held her close to her side, her arm around Soo's shoulders. Soo didn't make a noise as she cried but her mother knew, with powers Soo didn't understand, how Soo felt deep inside.

"You always give so much, don't you, dear?" Hae Myung said, holding her daughter's head to her chest. "But there are pains you can't protect one from, Soo."

"Why not?" Soo cried, her arms wrapped around her middle.

"You're just like your brother, even though you're so much older than him. You think the people you love will never get hurt as long as you're with them."

"I don't think that," she whispered.

"You do. You think that if you give all of yourself away, that nothing bad will happen, but people get hurt. Sometimes, you even hurt them without meaning to."

Soo backed away from her mother, staring into eyes that were so much like her own. Hae Myung smiled at her tears, wiping them away with her thumbs.

"When you almost drowned, I was terrified. You didn't mean to, but I was hurt. I thought I was going to lose you and I wasn't ready. A mother is never ready to lose their child, and a child is never ready to lose their mother. We can't avoid these pains, but they are ours to bear."

Soo remembered her mother's tears every time she opened her eyes. She had grown numb to them in all of the repetitions, she thought she was overreacting, but she never considered the loss in her mother's heart, how close she had been to losing her only daughter.

"I'm sorry, mom," she said, hugging her, muffling her cries against her chest.

"Ssh, you don't have to be sorry, Soo. You'll always be yourself no matter what, anyway. But understand how much you can do so you're strong enough to be someone's home. That's what you want, right?"

Soo nodded.

"Stop crying, now, and just be yourself when he needs. He seems to love that about you, so it'll be good enough."

"Do you think so?"

"You're a foolish girl but you have many strong points."

"Mom!"

Her mother rocked her back and forth until sadness exhausted her. Soo moved to her room and fell asleep, waiting for So to call.

It was April, 2016. She couldn't remember how many Aprils she had lived, but it was the first time she never saw the cherry blossoms fall.

* * *

He called her the next morning. Soo felt heavy from having slept for over twelve hours, but when she saw his name on her phone, she jumped from her bed. The calendar on the wall said it was still April, 2016.

"So! You're..." _Safe. Alive._ "...here."

" _ **I'm still here, Soo."**_

"How was it?"

" _ **Tiring."**_

Soo put him on speaker while she rummaged around for a change of clothes.

"And you're home now?"

" _ **Yeah. Everything's been taken care of, so Yo dropped me off."**_

"I'm on my way, okay? Just wait a bit."

" _ **Soo."**_

She halted, a sock halfway on her foot. She looked at the phone and waited, hoping he wouldn't ask her not to come, that he wouldn't shut her off, shut everybody off, at a time he shouldn't be alone. She still remembered him by the bridge, the very first time. It hadn't been April then, it had been early. The night of the storm. Time changed and bent and she didn't feel safe. If she couldn't avoid his pain, she wanted to preserve his safety.

"Yes, love?"

" _ **When I held her hand, she was still warm. I think she was still there, with us."**_

Soo bolted out of her bedroom and waved her mother goodbye, never once ending the call. Later on, she wouldn't remember what sort of things she told him, she just said whatever came to mind, whatever felt right. Sometimes they weren't words but hushing, and sometimes she sang. People looked at her on the train but she sang anyway, his crying clear against her ear. Despite her mother's warnings, she wasn't scared of moving, she wasn't scared of time, not for herself. She just hurried as fast as she could, trying not to lose her breath, not to lose her voice, until she was with him. And she did arrive. Time was on her side.

She held him as he cried and it was shorter than she had expected. She was sure he must have been exhausted, but it wasn't that. In her arms, he slowly fell into tranquility, his tears dried against Soo's blouse. He agreed to take a shower and he agreed to eat, not a semblance of the man from the bridge on his features. _You're going to be okay, aren't you, my love? We made it._

The afternoon was high but they remained inside, his head on her lap, Soo barely paying attention to a drama on TV. Looking down at him, Soo wondered what she had done differently. If it had been the jump — his jump — in their last course. She didn't understand the mechanics of the complex system she had fallen into, had no idea why she ended up in 2015, and try as she might, she still believed she had failed, every single time. Still, she thought she knew what allowed them both to survive. Her mother taught her well.

"You said goodbye, didn't you?"

Running her fingers through his bangs, she didn't expect him to answer. He did.

"Yeah."

"How was it?"

"Hard. But it would have been harder to part thinking she hated me... Now I know she was just disappointed."

 _All this time, I've been helping you the wrong way. I've been trying to save your life but I never tried to help you deal with death._

"I'm proud of you for trying to be a part of her life, So."

He opened his eyes and looked at her like he did on a different day, a lifetime ago, when he cried behind the hospital building.

"I wouldn't have made it without you."

"I just gave you a little push. You did the brave things yourself."

He took hold of her hand that rested on his chest.

"What would I be without you?"

Soo hummed audibly.

"Broodier, probably. More tired and less well-nourished."

He chuckled.

"You're the brave one, Soo. You're the bravest person I've ever met."

Soo tilted her head to the side.

"Why is that?"

"You give yourself completely, unafraid of the consequences. You almost died to save someone, and you approached me so easily, becoming so dear to me. I feel like I've known you my whole life."

His hand touched her cheek, caressed it, adored it.

"I can't imagine a different life, without you."

Soo closed her eyes.

"I can," she said. She envisioned all the times he had not been around and all the times she spent with him. Her walking through the market alone and her running from store to store, their fingers intertwined. She opened her eyes and smiled down at him. "I just prefer not to."

She kissed his forehead and motioned for him to sit up. He did and she got up only to lie down with him, one arm around his middle, his arm supporting her head. The couch wasn't really big enough for the two of them but it would do, just for a little while. Just for a little while, she could lie down with him, just as he had asked, a long, long time ago.

* * *

The time traveler opened her eyes, not knowing what time it was. She didn't have to wake up early that day, she had already arranged for her friend to open up the store. As the cloud of sleep left her eyes, she noticed him. His head propped up on one arm, looking down at her. His entire attention on her, capturing her in the dim light, his devotion showering her like summer drizzle, like fallen leaves.

"Good morning, Hae Soo," he said, blinking slowly.

"Good morning, Wang So. Why are you watching me sleep?" She asked, stretching.

"It's not creepy if we've been dating for a while, is it?"

"Hmm, it's a little creepy."

"But your sleeping face is adorable."

"So you like watching me drool on my hair."

"Among other things, yes."

She pushed him so he fell on his back, laughing. Then she scooted closer, her arm crossing his chest, lying her head on his arm. He accommodated her with ease, both falling into place like gears of a clock that never stopped.

"It's early, yes?" She asked.

He hummed in agreement.

"Then let's sleep a little more."

She felt safe in his arms, her days of running long gone. He was still her boyfriend, not a husband, not yet a father, but still the man she loved and lived with. On her right hand lied a promise of a future, the ring a rose gold like the peonies she loved. On the bedside table, on her side, lied a calendar. It read May, 2018. Beyond that page, there were many others, many dates marked of the many things they wanted to do, together or on their own. There was no rush for them so they kissed, languidly, bathed in the morning light, safe in each other's embrace.

The clock ticked, moved forward, and they kissed, hands knowing where to touch, grasping where was tender and right. It was love they made, in whispers of each other's names. Afterwards, they slept. There were no errands to run, no fate to catch up with.

So and Soo had all the time in the world.


End file.
